My Self-Harm Experience

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2025-10-07
12:10 A.M.
4 cuts with a razor, 2 scrapes with a needle.
holy fuck i hit styro,,,listening to Eurodance while out-of-your-mind angry and cutting is weirdly enjoyable

2025-10-10
12:20 A.M.
9 cuts with a razor, 7 scrapes with a needle.
didn't hit styro again :( took three gabapentin after so I could feel high and then pass out

2025-10-10
6-10 P.M.
Hit and scratched myself with nails, too many scratches to count but I'd say 4-5 bruises.
Did it at a a friend's house to cope with a something that ended up being a misunderstanding. Glad I didn't waste any cuts on it, but wish I could process emotions outside of violence :(

10-16-2025
3:00 A.M.
Didn't SH today, though I put it off yesterday by promising myself I'd do it today. Injecting my T was enough pain and freakout.

10-28-2025
11:38 P.M.
Too many scrapes to count needles and two-to-three cuts with a razor.
I think I might've hit styro, but there was too much blood to see properly. Took three gabapentin

10-29-2025
11:38 P.M.
Cut MOVE into my thigh with a razor, so thirteen cuts.
Didn't clean it that well, oof, so I spent a lot of time freaking out about infection. I really need to clean my blades better.

11-19-2025
11:29 P.M.
4 cuts with a razor.
I need to cut deeper than before. maybe multi-swipe
12:03 P.M.
I DID IT, 4 cuts with a razor and 2 were styro. the deepest one won't close :3

12-02-2025
Some time
7 cuts with a razor, 7 scrapes with a needle.
Tried a new razor blade I found. I was so excited, since it wasn't stuck in a razor cartridge. Tried it, dull af. Couldn’t cut warm butter. Heart wasn't really in it today. Cut/scraped my breast, though. Harder to do than the hip because of the angle. Less sensitive, I think? Which surprises me. My breasts have seen a lot of dysphoric abuse, though, so maybe that's why. If I get any :(, I'm going to keep it unserious by being like "wah, won't somebody think of my poor breasts that I'm getting cut off as soon as possible."

12-04-2025
12:50 A.M.
4 cuts with a razor.
Hit styro all four times! Fury is better than sadness for cutting. Nothing gets an autistic more furious than being misunderstood. I wanted to cut down to the fucking bone. Alas, I'm a hip/butt cutter. No sense in getting a hospital-worthy injury. However, I'm starting to get worried about the styro-surprise factor wearing off. I'm semi-used to seeing fascia now. It still excites me. But not enough to satisfy me. It's a goal.

That's probably bad. But idc.

12-16-2025
5:21 P.M.
1 cut with a razor, 5 scrapes with a needle.
Holy shit I cut deeper than I thought I would. Still styro but really obvious styro that won't close. Deepest cut yet I'm so happy, pulled me right out of my rage. Cutting makes me a better person I think. I still had an urge to hit myself, so I did that.

01-05-2026
2:18 A.M.
1 cut with a razor, 8 scrapes with a needle spelling GOOD.
Nothing really exciting. Heart wasn't in it. I need to be angrier to cut, I think, and I was too sad to be angry.

02-02-2026
Sometime between 10:00 A.M. to 12:00 P.M.
6 cuts with a razor.
Dignity took a hit from stumbling around on a cold morning, trying to find a public bathroom to cut yourself in. There's parks and stuff, but I didn't want to accidentally traumatize anyone lol
My heart wasn't 100% in it until I re-deployed the dangerous thoughts that sent me out of the house in the first place. "No one will love me for who I am" type stuff.
I think self-harming is part of becoming better. It's a substitute for expressing emotions that are inappropriate. I'm not repressing, but redirecting. I wish I could tell everyone how many times I've redirected like this, so they'd be proud of me.

02-23-2026
10:01 P.M.
12 cuts with a razor, 10 scrapes with a needle.
Carved #1 BOY into my hip. Hit styro once, boring. Gave up and used a needle to do most of it since the razor was annoying me today. I need sharper blades. Ideally new ones, so I don't get tetanus. Also, cut my left hip for the first time! Felt kinda bad in a not-fun way, might stick with the right next time.