My Self-Harm Experience
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06-01-2026
11:57 P.M
8-ish cuts with the short side of a razor. All cat scratches, because I keep forgetting what the good side of the blade is (short).
I feel better! Forgot my stuffie, so this was good punishment.
4:15 A.M.
Two long scratches courtesy of my house keys and beating the absolute shit out of my right thigh...
05-20-2026
11:18 P.M.
Imperfect recall, but four cuts in a triangle shape on my right hip.
Ugh my blades getting dull lol,,,outlined my gluteus medius so I'll have an easier time with my t-shot in the future, among the usual reasons I SH
5-18-2026
1:17 A.M.
6 cuts with a razor, majority styro.
^The above did not bruise lol. Gotta try harder next time.
Getting back into it! When I was away I was wondering why I didn't multi-swipe or cut really deep. It's because I can't with my equipment. I need an oldey-timey straight razor.
Forgot how good this makes me feel as well, I'm sleeping GOOD tonight. Self-harm is like giving myself permission to feel bad, then good.
4-9-2026
6:02 P.M.
Hit myself so unbelievably hard with a full water bottle >5x times.
Hope it bruises ^^
3-31-2026
10:16 P.M.
7 cuts. Based my thigh with my fists a bit.
Majority styro! Gotta be careful. I don’t want my SH to jeopardize my top surgery. Christ, I wish I didn’t have to think about that. Well, the surgery is ten years away anyway, so as long as I abstain for a month before I can pass off the scars as old.
03-15-2026
9:58 A.M.
3 cuts with a razor.
I got a new blade :3 Never kill yourself!!! It works so well, got a wide-open styro with very little effort. The nurse at the crisis center said it wasn't too bad.
03-08-2026
2:31 P.M.
Unknown.
03-07-2026
12:50 P.M.
Unsure of how many cuts/scrapes.
03-02-2026
2:14 A.M.
7 cuts with a razor.
Went to a fucking park this time lol. I hate having to travel so far to do this and getting such suspicious looks.
02-26-2026
10:23 PM
Carved "STANDARDS" into my hip, started with needles but gave up and used the razor. So 22 scrapes with a needle (kept fucking up the R) and 6 cuts with a razor. 6 extra cuts, so 12 cuts total.
I think I figured out a problem. I don't fw the drag of my razor's safety. It scrapes uncomfortably, similar to the needle. Acceptable when in crisis and I'll take any pain, but not when it's a longer thing. If I'm cutting a word into myself, I want it to be fast and to show up. Also, in order to get a deeper cut, I need to press So hard. Annoying! I need a supply of sharper blades, ideally clean and clean-able.
02-23-2026
10:01 P.M.
12 cuts with a razor, 10 scrapes with a needle.
Carved #1 BOY into my hip. Hit styro once, boring. Gave up and used a needle to do most of it since the razor was annoying me today. I need sharper blades. Ideally new ones, so I don't get tetanus. Also, cut my left hip for the first time! Felt kinda bad in a not-fun way, might stick with the right next time.
02-02-2026
Sometime between 10:00 A.M. to 12:00 P.M.
6 cuts with a razor.
Dignity took a hit from stumbling around on a cold morning, trying to find a public bathroom to cut yourself in. There's parks and stuff, but I didn't want to accidentally traumatize anyone lol
My heart wasn't 100% in it until I re-deployed the dangerous thoughts that sent me out of the house in the first place. "No one will love me for who I am" type stuff.
I think self-harming is part of becoming better. It's a substitute for expressing emotions that are inappropriate. I'm not repressing, but redirecting. I wish I could tell everyone how many times I've redirected like this, so they'd be proud of me.
01-05-2026
2:18 A.M.
1 cut with a razor, 8 scrapes with a needle spelling GOOD.
Nothing really exciting. Heart wasn't in it. I need to be angrier to cut, I think, and I was too sad to be angry.
12-16-2025
5:21 P.M.
1 cut with a razor, 5 scrapes with a needle.
Holy shit I cut deeper than I thought I would. Still styro but really obvious styro that won't close. Deepest cut yet I'm so happy, pulled me right out of my rage. Cutting makes me a better person I think. I still had an urge to hit myself, so I did that.
12-04-2025
12:50 A.M.
4 cuts with a razor.
Hit styro all four times! Fury is better than sadness for cutting. Nothing gets an autistic more furious than being misunderstood. I wanted to cut down to the fucking bone. Alas, I'm a hip/butt cutter. No sense in getting a hospital-worthy injury. However, I'm starting to get worried about the styro-surprise factor wearing off. I'm semi-used to seeing fascia now. It still excites me. But not enough to satisfy me. It's a goal.
That's probably bad. But idc.
12-02-2025
Some time
7 cuts with a razor, 7 scrapes with a needle.
Tried a new razor blade I found. I was so excited, since it wasn't stuck in a razor cartridge. Tried it, dull af. Couldn’t cut warm butter. Heart wasn't really in it today. Cut/scraped my breast, though. Harder to do than the hip because of the angle. Less sensitive, I think? Which surprises me. My breasts have seen a lot of dysphoric abuse, though, so maybe that's why. If I get any :(, I'm going to keep it unserious by being like "wah, won't somebody think of my poor breasts that I'm getting cut off as soon as possible."
11-19-2025
11:29 P.M.
4 cuts with a razor.
I need to cut deeper than before. maybe multi-swipe
12:03 P.M.
I DID IT, 4 cuts with a razor and 2 were styro. the deepest one won't close :3
10-29-2025
11:38 P.M.
Cut MOVE into my thigh with a razor, so thirteen cuts.
Didn't clean it that well, oof, so I spent a lot of time freaking out about infection. I really need to clean my blades better.
10-28-2025
11:38 P.M.
Too many scrapes to count needles and two-to-three cuts with a razor.
I think I might've hit styro, but there was too much blood to see properly. Took three gabapentin
10-10-2025
6-10 P.M.
Hit and scratched myself with nails, too many scratches to count but I'd say 4-5 bruises.
Did it at a a friend's house to cope with a something that ended up being a misunderstanding. Glad I didn't waste any cuts on it, but wish I could process emotions outside of violence :(
10-10-2025
12:20 A.M.
9 cuts with a razor, 7 scrapes with a needle.
didn't hit styro again :( took three gabapentin after so I could feel high and then pass out
10-07-2025
12:10 A.M.
4 cuts with a razor, 2 scrapes with a needle.
holy fuck i hit styro,,,listening to Eurodance while out-of-your-mind angry and cutting is weirdly enjoyable
06-18-2026
Feels like every second i choose to not sh or smoke weed/do whatever is me choosing my own misery. Maybe I should have a list of things I should do before I let myself be miserable and hurt anyone else. Maybe sh should be on that list
02-26-2026
8:16 P.M.
I imagine cutting myself from my right knee up to my right tit, so severely
I reach fat, and then taking a shower in front of everyone. Us staring
at each other as the blood sluices down. The bleeding won't stop for a
while. But it won't get crusty. The shower has translucent glass, so they
won't see the details, only the red.
12-11-2025
12:56 A.M.
Didn't SH tonight, just had extra thoughts. Why not SH before? When things
were worse?
1. I did, I just slapped myself/beat myself with a belt
2. The fear of being abandoned wasn't strong enough. My anger was outwardly
directed.
