CPT Completed!
Just completed a 12-session course of CPT. CPT is based on CBT, which rightfully gets a bad rep. But I got a lot out of CPT.
Consciously, I have a lot of "correct" beliefs about trauma. But when it comes to my subconscious ideology, the lurch in my stomach, the things I whisper to myself at night, I need help.
The manual is free. It's here.
It's long, but don't worry about it lol
I picked a trauma. Any trauma. The manual seems to say it has to be the worst one, my therapist said it didn't have to be. I picked my most formative one. I wrote a page about why I think it happened. Not the logical chain of causality. But the awful shit my brain says. You don't have to consciously believe it in order to write it down. It just has has to haunt you.
With the help of my therapist, I sifted out what I wrote to find "Stuck Points." Stuck Points are beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. Not facts or feelings, but beliefs. I called it a trauma ideology for short. Someone who grew up in a sex-negative culture might have "sex is shameful" as part of their trauma ideology, for example.
I ran the Stuck Points through a gamut of questions, including how they made me feel, whether I had evidence for it, what cognitive distortions the Stuck Point fell into. This takes up the bulk of the time. There's a fillable PDF here, which helps.
I then replaced the Stuck Point with another belief. Something balanced, provably true, reassuring. Then, you try to alter your pattern of thinking to default to that newer, more balanced belief instead of the old one.
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women are merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
This is inspired, in part, by Clementine Morrigan's article "I'm not bipolar — I have a split personality."
Article linked with standard "I don't agree with everything she's ever said." Other inspirations include the paper she linked, systems I'm close with, and age regression. I'm not plural myself, but I've found it helpful to name these players.
Dramatic personae!
/ An 11-year-old child. Loves books, and the computer. Hates everyone around them except their dad, because their dad lets them do anything. Doesn't know how to be polite yet. Holds onto anger and explodes. Sensitive. Avoids others but wants attention. Emotionally independent but physically dependent. The last child before successive disasters.
/ Began at 14. Laughs at everything and everyone. Quick and lacking in foresight or self-consciousness, but independent. Throws every kind of spaghetti at every kind of wall and won't stop until you stop them, at which point they retreat. They have a very easy bubble to pop.
/ Quite happy. Devoid of memory. Trusting to the point of emotional and physical dependence. Physically affectionate. Flexible, which is rare, but needs frequent attention to numb any unwanted memories or emotions that arise. Will do anything to avoid being left alone. If memories arise, this state collapses.
/ The abyss that lies below the other states. Terminal. Fixated on memory and fairness. Unable to process emotions without violence towards itself. Embarrassed at its own helplessness and naivete, but unwilling to do anything about it except punish itself and withdraw.
WHITE BLANK PAGE / Customer service personality. Infinitely patient and passive. Quiet, but able to talk.
